While brainstorming (aloud, of course) a Christmas song post idea last week, I came up with “10 Christmas Re-Makes We Didn’t Need.” To which Joey responded “But that’s like every Christmas song.” Wrong. Just plain wrong. Because A) “Holly Jolly Christmas” is an original collaboration between Burl Ives and Santa and B) Some Christmas re-makes we absolutely need. Like the Chris Brown version of “This Christmas” and any re-make Harry Connick Jr. wants to make because he is King of Christmas Music.
These are the re-makes that don’t fit in that category.
1. Santa Baby by Madonna
I used to like Madonna. Then I saw her in concert. And then I had to listen to this terrible joke of a re-make 239857394 times every year. Now there is absolutely no Madonna love in my heart. This song is like a slap in the face of Eartha Kitt’s perfect original version and I won’t stand for it.
2. Last Christmas by Taylor Swift
She just had to re-make this one, didn’t she? Because she has to ruin all things good in this world. Taylor, award shows are my life. Can you please not be dancing stupidly in the audience at all of them? Anyways, this song is all about being unjustly jaded and that totally ties in with her life story so I can’t say I’m surprised.
3. Happy Xmas by Maroon 5
If you think it is ridiculous that Adam Levine was named “Sexiest Man of the Year” and that all Maroon 5 songs sound the exact same, we are probably soul mates. As a music consumer, I’m offended that they keep putting out that crap but not nearly as offended as I am that they re-made John Lennon’s “Happy Xmas.” This should be a punishable offense.
4. Little Saint Nick by She & Him
Aka Zoey Deschanel and whoever “Him” is. Their music totally freaks me out. It’s creepy and weird and I do not like it. The Beach Boys version is totally one of my favorites and for some reason, I’m always really amused when they talk about the little Saint Nick (what does that even mean?!) but this creepy re-make does not do the song justice.
5. God Rest Ye Marry Gentlemen by the Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan
This song will be on every list I make of bad Christmas songs. I cannot stand it!!!!!!!! I actually think this song is horrible in all renditions, but I did hear a nice instrumental version yesterday and decided that was the only way I’d ever like to hear this song again.
6. O Holy Night by LeAnn Rimes
It’s a well-known fact that you should not attempt this song if you don’t have the vocal chops to pull it off. Which is why we have versions of this song by Mariah, Celine, Josh, Rachel (as in Berry) and Johnny Mathis, which might be the best version of all because you know he recorded that back before auto-tune was all the rage. LeAnn doesn’t quite pull it off.
7. Auld Lang Syne by James Taylor
I want to like James Taylor so bad, but I just can’t do it and this re-make seriously makes me want to fall asleep. I guess it could be worse. It could sound like that atrocious version that plays during the first Sex and the City movie. Remember that scene? Truly terrible.
8. We Need a Little Christmas by the Muppets
As if the original wasn’t bad enough.
9. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by the Cheetah Girls
I had a real nostalgic moment when this song popped up on iPhone radio the other day. I totally remember watching the Cheetah Girls movie a million times on the Disney Channel. Anyways, hearing Michael Jackson sing this is acceptable because he was an actual little kid when the Jackson 5 recorded it. Hearing 3 grown girls singing it is just wrong.
10. Blue Christmas by Sheryl Crow
I think my hatred for this song is a mixture between not liking Sheryl Crow and having to do a lame lyrical performance to this song for a holiday recital when I was younger. It’s physically impossible to still like a song after you’ve listened to it a billion times for a dance class. And how dare Cheryl try to compete with Elvis on this one!
What Christmas re-makes do you hate?