Kitchen Fails of 2016

Okay, I’m kind of horrified to admit this, but I get bent out of shape when cooking goes wrong WAY TOO EASILY.  From accidentally burning sweet potatoes in the oven to forgetting to blanch the Swiss chard until I’m halfway through eating dinner, I let these things totally stress me out and upset me more than they should.  When 2016 began, I decided to take a different approach.  And it was called laughing it off.  But not before snapping a picture 🙂

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That time I flipped a pancake directly on top of another pancake.  I choose to believe this means my aim is impeccable, instead of terrible.  But don’t worry, all’s well that ends well covered in chocolate rosemary peanut butter.

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That time I remembered why I don’t make waffles.  The batter was SUPER runny, I knew better, I poured it in anyway.  What ensued was a batter waterfall situation, followed by the waffle completely sticking to the waffle maker.  Joey and I still stood over the waffle maker, picking pieces of the crispy waffle out and eating it with our hands and it was absolutely delicious, so all was not lost.

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That time I realized I do not like seaweed.  Not so much a fail in terms of execution as in terms of taste.  Bon Appétit did this little segment in their January issue where they gave some “Building Block” recipes, followed by four dishes that used those “Building Blocks.”  I tried three of the four.  They were all effing weird, but this Stir-Fried Rice with Fried Egg and Roasted Broccoli had a Toasted Nori Mayonnaise that I straight up hated.  It’s always fun to learn you hate an ingredient after you’ve spent $7 on it.

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That time I could not sprout lentils to save my life.  And by “that time,” I mean THOSE THREE TIMES.  After LOTS of desperate research, I came to the conclusion that split red lentils will not sprout.  Wish I had known that from the beginning.

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That time we tried to make avocado fries.  Long story short: the oil wasn’t hot enough, the panko slid right off and hot avocado is… well “it’s a no from me,” Simon Cowell-style.

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That time I made an icebox cake with curdled mascarpone.  I may have overlooked that part where the mascarpone was supposed to be room-temp and also the fact that I know better than to not use ingredients that are all the same temperature.  Joey still liked it though, so oh well.

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Not actually a picture of said mousse, but the second successful attempt looked something like this.

That time I tried to make lucuma mousse and the coconut milk didn’t want to cooperate.  But first, try saying “lucuma mousse” real fast.  Sounds like “look at my moose,” does it not??  Anyway, I find coconut milk to be SO FINICKY.  Certain brands separate and other don’t.  I eventually made a good version of this mousse (Native Forest brand worked!), but the first time it turned into a weird chunky consistency that I immediately poured down the drain.

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That time I burnt the shit out of some fish packs.  Followed by that time I put a burnt piece of chorizo in my mouth and it turned to straight ash.  Never again!  I was looking forward to this meal so much and then I got the instant sads from it.  Is it weird that I was simultaneously completely turned off from this recipe and also really wanted to re-make it?

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That time I realized tahini and I are the best of frenemies.  I love the stuff but for some reason, whenever I add liquid to it to make a sauce, it becomes instant goop.  WHY?!

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At least the pumpkins were cute?

That time I made THEE saltiest roasted pumpkin seeds.  Even if you are a life-long card-carrying member of the Salt Lover’s Club, do not think 1 TABLESPOON of salt in 1 CUP of pumpkin seeds is a good idea.  I ate a good handful and felt like I needed to drink 18 glasses of water afterwards.  Garbage can, meet pumpkin seeds.

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It was not this exact chicken, but it was a sheet pan chicken like this.

That time Joey cooked me dinner and the chicken had gone bad.  I think I was more upset that Joey had spent all that time cooking than he was.  We both took a bite and knew something was very very wrong.  I ate a corn muffin for dinner instead.

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That time I made Thanksgiving Brussels sprouts with apple cider vinegar instead of apple cider.  And we’re not talking a splash — we’re talking a whole quarter cup!  I didn’t even realize the mistake I’d made until I opened the fridge, saw the apple cider and thought “wait, didn’t I buy that for something??”  Luckily, Joey was already at the grocery store and all it took was a quick “um, can you get another 2 lbs. of Brussels?…” to fix the sitch.  It’s not Thanksgiving without at least one emergency trip to the grocery, right?

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That time I tried to cook pancakes IN a cookie cutter.  Spoiler: the batter stuck to the cookie cutter instead of to the pan.  But you know what, I did get ONE decent Christmas tree out of the bunch and didn’t even stress at all about the mess-ups or the fact that we ate regular round pancakes instead.  Does this mean I finally learned to be chill in the kitchen by the end of 2016??

Just FYI, I added these to this post as they happened throughout the year and re-reading them at the end really made me laugh 🙂  Here’s to more kitchen mess-ups and funny memories in 2017!

2 thoughts on “Kitchen Fails of 2016

  1. Ahh so fun to see all of these!! I should totally do this for 2017, I’ve got plenty!!! Mostly– burning sweet potato fries (#everytime)

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